I have lots to tell you.
Yesterday was a train wreck. I must have woken up determined to feel like shit about myself because I went to the UCLA Science/Tech Career Fair. I thought that was what you were supposed to do if you were going to major in CS and plan to work in that industry (and I wanted to see my friend Shirley who was going to it).
OK, it was like a small convention (small, as in NOT some quarter-mile long Vegas convention center, but rather, UCLA Ackerman Ballroom). Different companies had their booths set up replete with promotional swag (for the record, Kiewit had the best stuff). Everyone from Frito-Lay (I know) to Apple had their “college recruiters” on hand. I bee-lined for Apple and Amazon (because I imagine that these are two companies that have the weight and the gumption to implement the future of entertainment). ANYway, they looked at me sideways and “took my information” and encouraged me to look at their site for Intern-opportunities. Going to this was stupid on my part. I’ve got a resume that focuses on everything I’d need for you to hire me to run the digital arm of your studio, but, shit, I’m not even officially a CS major yet.
I got the impression that they don’t even want to talk to freshmen, forget the entirety of my resume. My friends who are seniors or grad students came away with the promise of interviews from various vendors, but I just got a handful of vomit. Then, I talked to my MATH31A/CS pal, Al, and he’s a freshman and he’s got an interview with Cisco tomorrow, so my theory is shit. To be fair, I don’t have a “tech-focused” resume yet and I’m sure that’s what the recruiters are told to look for.
This is even more confirmation that I’m just not supposed to have a job right now (I don’t know what else to deduce. I know I’m not telling you everything about the last 6 years as far as employment opps. Just trust me.) Also, I’m just don’t think I’m supposed to get a damn job (eventually) through a “job fair” on campus. Got it. I will never go to anything like that again.
I was so affected by this stupid experience that I completely tanked my MATH31A quiz that was right after. Yeah, that was worth it. Shit. At least one quiz gets thrown out. I think. Stupid. I couldn’t even then focus on my subsequent ART HIST54 class. I took my notes, but I was otherwise consumed with this assumption that I’d “never work again” and that everything I’m doing may be an absolute waste of time. To top it off, throughout the day, I managed to sit next to people who were hacking up a lung, too sick probably to be in class. It was one of those days where you get home and can’t remember if you ate lunch or not (I hadn’t).
OK, fuck that day, onto today.
CS31 lecture in the morning. I still understand everything in the lectures and it’s still a far cry from my experience in these classes last year. Then, onto MATH31A and though I get what’s going on, I have some holes and, shit, I want to do better on those exams.
I go study some more in the library and then go to the CS31 midterm. I didn’t really need to study for the test, though I’ve made the allowed “cheat sheet”. I feel fine about this one, I mean I’ve already taken CS31, CS32, and CS33 essentially, right? But here’s what happens.
I get into the room early. They pass out the test and then I open the test and cue “The Panic”. Why? Really, WHY? I know this shit backwards and forwards, but I guess my system is programmed to panic in a college exam. I suppose it’s an effort to avoid the failing-every-south-campus-exam experience I’d grown accustomed to last year .
OK, my heart was beating fast as I stared at the first question and I almost thought “I can’t do this.” Seriously? Really? This is the easiest test I was going to take all year. I calmed myself down and just started doing the work. Sure enough, I finished the test in half the allotted time and I think I got everything right, but I seriously have to get a different approach to exam-taking.
My “panic routine” isn’t fucking cutting it.